39. One Girl. One Journey – The Time in Between – 2014

January 25^th 2014

Excerpt from diary:

¨Finished writing a childrens book this morning, “The Littlest Blue Fairy Penguin”.

I’ve been spending time with my sister and the kids. She drops off food every now and then, and checks up on me often. What a godsend.

I know I’m doing the right thing.  There is nothing for me here.  I will miss my family, but they have busy lives.

Upon talking to my brother, who will be going with me, I realized that I will, in all probability, be gone in 3 weeks.  I can’t sleep.  I have terrible anxiety.  Worried about money, leaving familiarity and going to a foreign country for I don´t know how long, Bear…  I finally had to tell myself to leave it in His hands.  He knows what He is doing.

Today would have been my ex husband and I’s 28^th wedding anniversary.  

Seems like lately all I do is write.  I write books, I write in my appointment book, I write in this diary, I write lists upon lists upon lists, I continue to write my childrens Bible – I think I should do chapters.  Norms book… I like it .  I haven’t done any songwriting, but boy have I ever accumulated tons of material!  I’m saving that for Mexico.

I’m not looking forward to the journey.  Actually, I´m scared to death. I am worried about issues. Issues with bringing a pet into a foreign country. What if I didn´t do all the paperwork I need? What if I did it wrong? What would happen to us? Would I have to come back? What if I got lost? What if I can´t find where I´m supposed to go? I don´t speak Spanish. What if something goes wrong at the airport? I won´t be able to communicate? How will I know where to go or what to do once I get to the Mexican airport? All of these questions and doubts would not leave my head. And,  I know I will be very very lonely and homesick. Oh God, what am I doing??

What I’ve discovered is that most people make connections with people for opportunistic reasons.  Whether it’s because they can help them professionally, pay their bills, keep them from being lonely… it’s rarely for authentic want.  Most people feel they need to be in control, or the boss, or they need to be right about everything.  I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t want something from me, or that doesn’t derive some sense of satisfaction that they are doing me a favour in my life – which, of course, makes them feel important etc.¨

Interesting entries. Reading this 6 years later, so much has changed but the basic philosophy here are still my opinions.