38.One Girl. One Journey – 2014 – Preparing for a new life

Excerpt from diary:

January 7th, 2014

¨I’ve gotten a cold.  The heat isn’t working in the house.  Last night, as the snow whirled and the wind blew through the windows, I looked at the temperature and it was 62.  I knew it was going to go lower through the night.  

I drank another entire bottle of wine.  For the 4^th night in a row.  I was depressed when I went to bed . After about 15 minutes of self pity I apologized to God and told him that I trust Him and know that He will take care of me.

This morning I heard the furnace go on and knew that it would be warming up in here, thank goodness.

This morning I sit at the table and know that last night God left me a message.  I believe He has sent me to this house in Dunchurch, right across the road from my childhood home in preparation for what He has planned for me.

He will not show me His plan until I am ready and prepared.  And I know I’m not.  So, as I frustratingly selfishly ask for Him to take me to my purpose now – right now – He quietly shows me that I have some things to do before I am ready.  It’s not my timing.  It’s all in God’s timing.  I must be patient and wait quietly.  Wait trusting.  Rest in Him and trust He knows what He is doing.  I will see the goodness of the Lord if I wait steadfastly and courageously.  Wait standing on God’s word.  Wait for His direction, ask Him what He wants me to do while I wait – what He wants me to do in preparation.  So far, I know that I’ve tried on my own through marriage, human love, alcohol, business, money, friendship, connections – nothing has worked my way.  I gladly surrender to Him and am obedient to Him to show me – in His perfect timing – my purpose and how I need to prepare for it.

By His grace, strength and power I will wait for His timing because I know that His timing is always best in my life.  I’m getting the chance to serve Him without any distractions – no husband, no job, no obligations.

“Lord I thank you that you have a plan for my life today
I thank you Lord that your timing is perfect
I thank you that you bring into my life whatever you need to bring
You protect me, you guide me, you lead me
As I go through suffering, hurt and all the rest, I will trust you to bring me through that
Lord I want to thank you today I’m going to walk obediently before you
I’m going to trust the holy spirit to do the speaking in me, to give me guidance and direction
To give me your timing.  Whatever you have available for me, I’m available to wait
I know that waiting will make me grow, strengthen me, prepare me for what you have

I want to thank you for this day and Lord let my life be fruitful all day long”.
Lord, in this wicked vial cynical world you are my protector – you almight God
Father how grateful I am that you love me.  I cant even begin to express it
I am willing to make the necessary changes in order to live out the life that is best with you
I pray this in the strong name of Jesus Christ

Amen

I guess you can see where I was in my life. Very very scared.