33.One Girl. One Journey – How hard would it be?

499 Comments / BLOG / By Carolyn McCormack

2013 – Still in the same city. I guess the film producer was wrong.

I had to create a new life. Things had to change. I inquired about how to shelf my real estate license. I decided it was time to write out a ¨Plan¨. Just like before – when I had to move to Northern Ontario. Just like before, when I moved to Barrie. Because I felt my life had no purpose. My job wasn´t meaningful. How hard would it be to just take off? Maybe go to L.A. I could get a job there and wait until the film thing happened. I didn´t want to leave my family, but I was miserable. How long could I go on like that?

I listed all of my furniture and beside it put the name of the person I wanted to give it to. I didn´t have much. I just kept the basics when I moved to the smaller apartment. So it wouldn´t be hard to get rid of everything but the very basics. How morbid – it felt like a will.

I had always been pretty religious, but I became even more intimate with God. He became my friend. He was in my everyday life. I did a Bible Study. Went to church every Sunday. I needed Him. I talked to Him all day. I surrendered to Him that summer. The burdens, sadness, betrayal… it was just too much for me to carry around. I decided that I would just really follow my instincts. If something felt right, I´d just do it. The worse thing about all of this was that I would be leaving my children and little grandchildren. Particularly the four year old. We spent almost every single spare moment I had together. She slept over all the time. I remember one day she called because she wanted me to come over and play. So, of course, I did. I walked in her room and quietly said hi. I was feeling pretty low that day. She said hi, with her little head down. She seemed to be just as low. Then she said she was crying at school that day. I said why? She said because she missed me. I said you were crying at school today because you miss me?? She said yes. She said she was in the corner crying and a little friend came over and asked her why she was crying and she said because I miss my gramma. I was dumbfounded. How do I try to live my life if it means leaving her? How do I do that? Why couldn´t life have turned out the way I planned it way back when? I couldn´t leave my family. Who was I kidding?

Maybe I didn´t have to leave. Maybe something would happen living where I was. I remember my daughter took in a new rescue dog. He was a Presa Canario. When she first came over to introduce me to him, I was shocked. The owners kept him in the basement for most of his life. I think he was just a little over a year old at the time. But he was huge. They had Rottweilers and put him in dog fights when he was just a pup. They had cut off his ears so he´d look more like a fighter dog. You could see every rib he had and he had bald spots all over his body. I remember he was standing in his cage and you could literally see him shaking. My daughter said he never stopped shaking. It was very sad.

After about 3 months, after taking him to the vet, feeding him nutritious food and supplements he was doing better. One day, she called me crying. I panicked and asked her what was wrong. She said nothing, she was crying because she was happy. Today was the first day Tito (that was his name) went outside. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. She said it was so beautiful. He was shy at first, but then he just took off and bolted through the field. He was chasing butterflies…

A few weeks later, she called me and asked me if I could watch him for 2 weeks. She was taking in another rescue and didn´t want Tito to become insecure and wanted him in a safe place. What?? Yeah right! I told her absolutely not! He was huge, and very scary looking. What would I do if he decided to turn on me? She told me that that would never happen… I told her I wasn´t in a very good place. I wasn´t strong enough to deal with that. She said he might be just what I needed. I told her my place wasn´t big enough – she said he didn´t take up much room. I told her I didn´t have time to continue his training – I didn´t even know how! And I didn´t have time to take him for walks every night. I just didn´t think I could do it. She said, ¨Why don´t I just bring him by?¨