46. One Girl. One Journey – November 2019 – July 2020

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November 2019
The next several months were very very difficult. My little best friend went through the last 13 years of my life with me. The worst years since my Father died. I fed her with a tiny baby bottle when my daughter brought her home. She was left in a garbage. She was so small and sick. Just a few weeks old. She travelled with me, she was by my side either curled up on my lap, or sleeping snuggled up to my neck when I went to sleep. When I decided to leave my job and go back and forth to Mexico, she was right there in the plane with me – all those times, right there in the little apartment with me. She became my constant companion and my support and we became very very close during the last several years. It might sound weird, but true pet lovers will tell you the same thing. I knew when something was wrong, I knew what each meow meant, and she knew when I was sad or depressed. She knew when I was happy. She was my best friend I was her only friend and best friend too. She relied on me for everything – and she got everything I had. She started getting sick after she slipped through the door when a friend came and she was lost for a month. It was slowly, but I noticed she wasn´t the same and took her to the vet. She had something wrong with her liver. I think she ate something poisonous when she was lost. Because she was in perfect health before that. So eventually, her liver failed her. To go through the night she passed away would be too painful – I´m getting extremely emotional writing this. But she took her last gasp in my arms. And then she was gone. I thank God for my daughter, who was there with me.

I wrote in my journal everyday. Wrote everything I was feeling. I think one day, when I can handle it, I´m going to publish it – to help other people who are going through the loss of a pet. I researched everywhere online and on youtube to find something or someone who could help me find a way to get through that horrific time. But there was nothing. Nothing but God and writing my feeling down in my journal. I was numb for months and months. I tried to keep distracted, but I wasn´t eating, I wasn´t sleeping, and I was very worried about myself. I was so depressed and sad. I spent alot of time with my Mom. She was really understanding and gave me the strength to get through it. She had to put her dog down when she broke her leg and she said it was really really hard to do. But she had to. She said you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep yourself distracted and eventually the pain won´t be as bad. Eventually you will feel a quiet sadness and an emptiness, but you will adapt. Because you have to.

The people who owned the house I was living in sold it, so in July I had to move. I moved to Orillia. I was sad about leaving Mom because I was enjoying spending time with her and I was worried about her health. But I was glad on the other hand, because there were just too many reminders of Bear there. Every corner I turned I´d see her, I thought for sure I heard her a couple of times… just everything. I think the move was good for my mental health.

Then along came Covid.

March 11, 2020 –The World Health Organization declared the outbreak a Public Health Emergency of International Concern on 30 January 2020, and a pandemic on 11 March 2020.
At a time when it was crucial that I keep myself busy, and surround myself with my family and friends, I was now in isolation. Could only leave my apartment for essentials. Had to wear gloves and a mask. So I was surrounded by 4 silent walls every single day and every single night.

April.

May – Applied to participate online in a 4 Week Songwriting Master Class with Andrew Allen.  I was selected  to participate.

Then June. Then July. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. My anxiety was terrible and I was incredibly lonely. I did everything to distract myself. I worked out more than ever. I wrote, I took songwriting courses, collaborated with songwriters. Took music business courses, watched webinars through the organizations I belonged to about music publishing, music production.

By July I was starting to feel like I was seeing a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I spent alot of time on the phone with my Mom and family. The weather was nice and I was able to sit outside in the sunshine with my sister. Social distancing… at least I had her. We were only able to see people in our bubble. So I planned to have sleepover with members of my family, which would take me into the third week of August. I called Mom to see how she felt seeing people. She wasn´t very comfortable about it. I could tell she was anxious – constantly disinfecting everything, she felt isolated – which I could absolutely relate to because I lived alone too.  She was frustrated she couldn´t go out, also stressed because some family members did see her and she knew they were seeing other people. So she said she had to strip her bedding and wash everything when they left after sleeping over, disinfect everything after they left if they visited. She was also watching the news constantly and Covid was all she talked about.  Her voice quivered when she was talking about it.  I knew what it was like to build things up in your head when you have no one to talk to.  I told her that we could visit outside. The weather was warm enough to be able to do that. I told her that I was going to have my daughters kids over individually to spend time with each of them, and then I was going to come up for a visit. That was the plan.

I was beginning to feel better. Mom was right. There was a sadness that I carried around with me all the time and a day never passed that I thought of her, or something reminded me of her. I pinned her little collar heart tag on the inside of my shirt everyday – so she was close to me and her ashes were on my mantel with her collar wrapped around the top of the container. I was accepting it. But I was really really looking forward to spending time with Mom. I wanted her presence and comfort. And maybe I could provide her with some comfort and reassurance too.

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