45. One Girl. One Journey – 2019

So in 2018, I manage to figure out what I needed to do to find a way to reach my artistic goals, purchased a mobile home, found employment, and then finally moved in to an apartment in Barrie. The next step was to purchase a car. I needed to visit my family and reconnect with songwriters and producers, songwriting events, and other events going on in Toronto. Eventually, it was my plan to move there as soon as I possibly could.

Journal entry:
Tues Nov 6 2018
So I guess todays the day we find out who is in the majority for the US midterms. The GOPS or the Demos. It will be an interesting day for sure. I feel good about where I am. I am ready to get out there and pursue my goals. Just need a car.I just have to stay calm and focus on the positive. I worked out yesterday. That´s another good step in the right direction.

Dec 27
Mom had to go to the hospital again. This time was very scary. The doctors told us that she can´t continue doing Electrocardiography much longer. Mom had Supraventricular tachycardia (SVT), which was an abnormally fast heart rhythm arising from improper electrical activity in the upper part of the heart. There are four main types and she had Atrial Fibrillation. So what did that mean? What were her other options? There were none. Medication… It was at that moment that I knew I needed to spend as much time with her as possible. That would be my first step towards my bigger plan.

Sat Mar 23 2019 – Mom had another attack this morning.

Apr 3 2019 – Mom had another attack. Started getting very worried about her. And very afraid.  What´s happening?

April 29, 2019 – Went up north for Moms birthday. Had a really nice visit with everyone. I´m glad I had to opportunity to take the bus up there. It´s easy and I need to spend more time with Mom.

June 4, 2019 – Got a car! Thank God!

Over the summer I enjoyed getting involved in the arts, I was working out, and visiting family and friends. But I was very concerned with Mom. She was tiring easily, and seemed to be unsteady on her feet alot. Once again, I felt I needed to redirect my path. I had this feeling…

July – I applied and was accepted to participate in a songwriting event called Write It, Track It, Play It at the Muskoka Music Festival  in Gravenhurst.

In a group of 6 songwriters, including the host, we wrote a new song, recorded it and played it at the festival.

It was a wonderful experience, and after we were asked to perform an original song. I loved it!

Watch video of performance of original song at the Muskoka Music Festival in Gravenhurst HERE.

August – Applied and was accepted to a Songwriting Mentorship Session at a studio in Toronto with Murray Daigle and Bobby John offered by the Songwriters Association of Canada.

In September I moved to Parry Sound, where my Mom lived. My plans were going to have to wait a while…

Journal entry:

Sun Sep 23 2019
Well, I am sitting in my new rented house in Parry Sound. I never dreamt last June – 15 months ago – that I would be sitting here. It´s peaceful. I´m happy. And I feel like I´m at home. I got here early evening and unloaded the car and worked on getting the boxes and bags out of the DR. It´s 1:40 am and I must say the place looks pretty good. I like it here. And Bear seems to be content here too. However she doesn´t have free rein of this house. She is contained to the LR for now. I just don´t trust her not to pee all over the place. I always notice the positive things about places when I move in. Like here, there´s lots of positive. I´m on the water. I can see outside. My window is open and it´s raining. I just heard a train. I don´t know why but there´s something about the sound of a trains horn that makes me feel nostalgic. It´s so nice to see outside my window. Especially since I´m looking right at my Moms apartment!!  I can see when her light is on, when she turns it off.  And she knows when I´m up late unpacking because she tells me she saw my light on.  Or she´ll call and mention that I must have gone out that day… my car wasn´t in the driveway… it´s comforting to me.  It´s raining. I like listening to the rain. I´m having wine. I´m not drinking because I´m bored tonight. Or depressed. Or anxious. I´m having wine because I´m basking in the peaceful happy feeling I have. I´m happy. I can go for walks now. I can visit Mom, my family, I can walk downtown. I feel free. Toronto will have to wait for now.

I could see Moms apartment from mine, and could walk there. I visited her often and got to know her. We talked about things we had never talked about – her childhood, her marriage to my Dad, their troubles – the fun they had, what she went through after he was killed, how she took care of her Mom after Grampa died, the abuse Gramma suffered in the retirement home and how it was so hard for her to deal with that, then Grammas death, her sisters death… I realized how much pain she had suffered and finally I came to understand how strong my Mom really was. Because she had to be. I felt closer to her than I had all my life.  I walked over to her place after a snowfall and cleaned off her car.  One morning I looked up and there she was, looking at me through the window… waving and smiling.  I felt so good doing things for her.  After I´d go up for a little visit.  I´d pick up some groceries for her, bring her some dinner.  We´d watch The Bachelor every week.  She loved music and so we went to alot music events together. One night, coming home (she was driving), she made a left turn into oncoming traffic. We almost hit a car and she blamed the other driver… I became even more worried about her. She started missing appointments and I saw that she was writing everything down now.

Friday Oc 4 2019
Yesterday I worked all day on my website and then changed my Instagram account to music. Building a website really isn´t that difficult – it´s just a learning curve and time consuming. My sister was worried about Mom so I went by. She had a Doctors appointment coming up and we knew that she was always extra anxious pre appointment.

Oct 6 2019
Mom went to the hospital. Her heart rate was at 131. She had to have the cardio vert again. Me and my sister were there with her. We took Mom home at 5, and I stayed with that night. God, what are your plans for my Mom?

Seeing Mom in the hospital really made me realize so many things. I didn´t even know she had false teeth. In the bed she had to take them out. Her little mouth was all puckered up. She looked so old… not the Mom I knew and remembered. When did that happen? I went through all of my cards and letters from Mom and all my family. I bawled my eyes out. None of us have changed. Our little souls were all so kind and loving. Life changes us and the challenge is the not let it. I found a letter from my sister telling me I was her natural prescription. I sent it to her and added ´ I still am´.

Mom and I went for drives, enjoyed our music nights, got together with family and sang, she´d call me to talk, she altered my clothes for me… she said it´s hard to walk sometimes. Her legs hurt her. She can´t have a bath anymore because she can´t get out of the tub.

Monday October 14 2019

Journal entry:
Had a really nice day. Mom and my brother and sister came over. I really enjoyed it. Mom sat beside me on the couch. We joked around and I put my head on her shoulder and said everyones pickin on me like I used to say when I was a little girl. She laughed and rubbed my hair. Tonight – well, lately, I find myself reminiscing. Ever since I moved in here. I think about my family alot. I think it´s because I have been reading my diaries, the letters I received from my sisters throughout various times in my life … writing my blog… and Mom. Mom is 81. How did that happen? I feel sad that our time with her is almost over. I like being with her. I wish we spent more time together.

Friday Oct 1 2019
Journal entry:
Yesterday Mom had another doctors appointment. I´ve been noticing a couple of things about Bear (my cat) that are unusual. Firstly, she keeps meowing at the top of the stairs. I couldn´t figure out what was wrong. I thought maybe it was because she couldn´t make it down the stairs. So I started carrying her down. Then she meowed again at the top of the stairs. Again, I couldn´t figure out what she was trying to tell me. Finally I went up and saw that she had peed outside of her kitty litter. That was strange.
So, I put two and two together and figured that she was getting weak. So I brought her KL downstairs. Then I called Mom to see how her doctors appt went. She asked me if I got her message. I said no I was calling to see how her doctors appt went. She said she called me because her heart rate is up and she doesn´t want to wait as long as she did the last time to go to the hospital. So I got ready, called my sister and got everything organized. I picked her up at 430. I came and Bear didn´t greet me at the door like she usually does. A little bit later she came out of the bedroom and came to the door. She´s getting really bony and tiny. But her little face is just as cute as ever xx My sister called to let me know they were coming home. I filled up Bears food and water, went and went to Moms. She was in good spirits. I was really surprised. She had a muffin, a little cheese and a tea and got ready for bed. I had a hard time getting to sleep. I couldn´t stop worrying about Mom and thinking about Bear. In the morning I stayed until about 10. She said she slept right thru til 6. That was amazing given her night 🙁 She was going to have a shower, so I decided to leave. Came home. Bear didn´t come to the door. She also peed at the door. She finally came out of the bedroom. She was very slow and unsure of her step. She also seemed disorientated. She hadn´t eaten her food. I was really upset. I had a very very hard time leaving her to get groceries. Yet, it was good for me to get out and have that distraction. I came home and she was at the door. Thank God! I was so happy and started crying. I had bottled it up all day. I wasnt surprised. She was still very lethargic and quiet. Not moving much. And her eyes were far away. I stayed with her for a while. I checked the kitchen. She pooped on the towel I put down for her… are her bowels letting go? Is that part of it? I finally gave her some water through a syringe. Its weird – she sounded like she was grinding her teeth. She turns her head to the left and tilts it on the side…. I dont know why. But the good thing is, that after I fed her the water, she started drinking and she perked up a little. I was so relieved and happy. I had to work out… the anxiety was getting to be too much and I was starting to get really depressed and feeling like I couldn´t cope. Bear came in the room and laid on my other yoga mat watching me. She went over to MY water and started drinking it. So I went and filled it up and she drank some more. So after I was done, I brought the yoga mat downstairs and put it beside me in the dining room. So she could lay beside me while I typed. Shes eaten a little teeny bit, again tilting her head… at least she´s eating a little. Hopefully her medicine will be here soon. Maybe it does work… She seems a little better… seems to have more life in her eyes and step… I hope she drinks and eats more. Im going to keep an eagle eye on her. There´s alot of darkness in my life… I don´t want Mom to go away. And I don´t want my best friend, Bear, to go away either.