50. One Girl. One Journey – The Process

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I don´t remember going through the process when my father died. I was so young. I don´t remember because I probably blocked it. This time, decades later, I felt the same sense of… loss and emptiness. I went from acting strong, to falling apart. Then incredibly sad then getting ahold of myself and telling myself to be strong. I wore her perfume, her face cream, I wore the jewellery she left me. I wore her pajamas, her shirts, her track pants, her slippers. I took sleeping pills, I drank wine, I cried and I cried. I wrote all of my feelings in my journal. I talked to her out loud. Everytime I found a dime I smiled. She wanted me to know she was still around me – us. I worked out every day. I stopped taking sleeping pills. I hated knowing I was relying on that to go to sleep. But I drank more. I would have 2 glasses of wine before bed. Just enough to make me feel tired and relaxed.

But everything I did still brought me back to the same place. At the end of everyday – no matter how distracted or tiring my day was – I was left with my thoughts. The grief I felt was too intense. I had JUST been able to accept the passing of my cat. And now I was mourning my Mom. I wasn´t ready for it. I wasn´t strong enough. Everytime I saw something of hers – like the necklace she was wearing when she was in the hospital, my mind would go back to that day, then memories… When she was lying in the hospital she had all of her jewellery on. I asked the doctor to remove everything. I didn´t trust that it wouldn´t be stolen. I´ve heard of that happening. And I asked him to bring me all of the clothes she was wearing when she was admitted. He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. ¨You want her clothes? I will tell you that we had to cut her blouse. It´s not wearable¨. I looked at him and told him I wanted her clothes. I gave the jewellery to my family, but I kept her necklace. My Mom was really religious. God was who got her through this life. She was wearing her necklace that had the Serenity Prayer on it. I also kept her clothes.

One night, I was so afraid of bedtime. Because I knew I wouldn´t be able to sleep. And I couldn´t. I laid in bed and the tears streamed down my face onto the pillow. I didn´t cry. The tears just came. My heart was so heavy and I was so sad. I missed my Mom. I missed her so much. It was a long painful night.

I woke up around 1:00 p.m. My eyes opened like any other normal day. Then I remembered. It was at that moment that I made a decision. It was the end of November 2020. I made a decision for my well being. I was going to stop going into such detail in my diary about my feelings about Bear and about Mom. I was going to force myself to stop thinking about them non stop. It was time to block them both. For my personal well being. My Mom wouldn´t want me to lose control. If she could be strong after losing her husband, her Mom, her Dad, her sister and her relationship (he died of heart complications), I could do this.

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