31.One Girl. One Journey – 2009 – Darkness. Again.

2009 was a year of frustration. I was in a really dark place. It seemed like I was making so much progress and I was really starting to reach my goals. But because I was working 24/7 trying to support myself, I didn´t have the time I needed to dedicate to my music. I was still going through a difficult time emotionally – couldn´t seem to heal. Couldn´t seem to find happiness. And I know that part of that struggle was because I felt trapped. Still. I was now single, but I couldn´t pursue music the way I wanted to because I had to support myself. I felt broken – in every way. It just seemed like despite all the efforts I was making – throughout my entire life, there was always someone or something blocking me from living the life I wanted to live. I was just tired. Tired of trying to heal from losing my family, my home, my life… tired of feeling so alone, being alone, tired of trying to be strong. Tired of pretending to be happy. Going to work and putting on a front and then falling apart the minute I closed the door behind me in my bachelor apartment at night. It was an extremely dark year. 5 steps forward, 10 steps back.

2010 was much of the same. I was still lost. Started training in the gym. We had a gym at work, so I thought why not? Every nite after I was done for the day, I´d workout. It helped. Alot. It was as though I had somewhere to put the pain I was feeling inside. An outlet for my anger and frustration. It was almost as though the physical pain matched the emotional pain inside. I ran and ran and ran on that treadmill really feeling like every step was taking me away from where I was. There was a purpose to every single step. I ran so hard and so fast. I was running away from it all. Until I got off and I was still in the same godforsaken place. I could not escape. The hamster wheel was the treadmill.

One by one, things started happening and I retreated very much into myself. I had dated someone and it turned out to be a nightmare. Well, how could I possibly have a healthy relationship when I wasn´t emotionally healthy? My friends had betrayed me in different ways. I stopped hearing from my family. I think they were tired of listening to me. I was too depressing. And they had their own busy lives.

I spent most of my time, when I wasn´t working, with very few people, and training at the gym. I hired a personal trainer. I started really thinking about my life. I needed to make some changes. I wasn´t happy. I wasn´t doing what I wanted to be doing my whole life and I was becoming more depressed and hopeless.

In September I decided to start going to Songwriting workshops again at SOCAN. Decided to do a professional photo shoot in Oakville. Modelled in a couple fashion shows. But it didn´t help.

November, I started looking at flights to Mexico. Started selling my furniture. At the time, I didn´t have any plans or anything, I just followed my intuition. And just started purging. Because SOMETHING had to change.

My daughter was getting married, so that was positive. I had a great distraction helping her pick out her wedding dress, planning her shower…. I also thought it might help me feel better if I volunteered, so I started volunteering at the hospital. But nothing was happening with my music. I had songs that I had written, but I couldn´t find a producer that I wanted to produce my songs. Got my passport. I don´t know why. My daughter´s wedding was beautiful! The highlight of my year!

I went on a few dates, had some good friends, worked out, volunteered… I even took in an exchange student for two weeks from Japan. That was alot of fun, and we really connected, but something in my life was missing. No matter what I did, I could NOT find happiness. I was missing the music.

Late September I met a guy who was a musician. He also had a friend who was a musician. So we talked about maybe collabing. We met up a few times, then we started rehearsing. But they just weren´t serious enough about it. So, I dropped out. I was really disappointed.

In December, I met someone through a friend who was looking for an investor. He was pitching a movie. I was interested because I was told that there was going to be a soundtrack as well and maybe I would be able to write songs for the movie as well as do the vocals. I met with this person and was immediately interested in his project. I took the script home and was spellbound. We talked a few more times, he was interested in my writing and was very interested when I told him I was also a singer/songwriter. He told me there would definitely be a possibility to work with him on songs for the film. It was exactly what I needed to give me some hope and to lift me from my depression. Maybe this was it.

22,123 thoughts on “31.One Girl. One Journey – 2009 – Darkness. Again.”

  1. great issues altogether, you simply gained a new reader.
    What could you recommend in regards to your publish that
    you just made a few days in the past? Any certain?

  2. Thank you for another informative site. Where else could I am getting that kind of info written in such a perfect approach?
    I have a mission that I am simply now working on, and I have been on the look out
    for such information.

  3. whoah this weblog is magnificent i love studying your posts.
    Stay up the great work! You understand, lots of people are searching round for this info, you could aid them
    greatly.

  4. Hello there, I found your blog via Google while searching for
    a comparable subject, your website came up, it appears to be like great.
    I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

    Hello there, just turned into alert to your weblog through
    Google, and located that it is really informative. I’m going to watch out for brussels.
    I’ll be grateful should you continue this in future. Numerous
    folks can be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

  5. With havin so much content and articles do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement?
    My website has a lot of completely unique content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it looks
    like a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my agreement.
    Do you know any techniques to help reduce content from being stolen? I’d definitely appreciate it.

  6. My brother recommended I might like this blog.
    He was totally right. This post actually made my day.
    You cann’t imagine simply how much time I had spent for this info!
    Thanks!

  7. My spouse and I stumbled over here different website and
    thought I may as well check things out. I like what I see so now i’m following
    you. Look forward to looking at your web page repeatedly.

  8. hi!,I really like your writing so so much! proportion we
    be in contact extra approximately your post
    on AOL? I require an expert in this space to
    unravel my problem. Maybe that’s you! Having a look ahead to look you.

  9. Hi there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found
    that it is truly informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels.
    I’ll be grateful if you continue this in future. Many people will be benefited from your writing.
    Cheers!

  10. First off I would like to say fantastic blog!

    I had a quick question which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
    I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clear
    your head prior to writing. I have had a tough time
    clearing my thoughts in getting my ideas out. I do enjoy writing however
    it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes
    are generally wasted just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips?
    Many thanks!

  11. An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a colleague who was conducting a little research on this.
    And he actually ordered me breakfast simply because I stumbled upon it
    for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for
    the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending the time to talk about this topic here on your
    web site.

  12. Hi there! Someone in my Myspace group shared this site with us so I came to check it
    out. I’m definitely loving the information. I’m
    book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers! Great blog and
    amazing style and design.

  13. Hi there very cool website!! Man .. Excellent .. Amazing ..
    I’ll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also? I am happy to seek out numerous useful information here in the publish, we want work out extra techniques in this
    regard, thanks for sharing. . . . . .

  14. Socket Secure Layer یا گواهی SSL یکی از مفیدترین راه حل های دیجیتالی برای احراز هویت
    وب سایت است که توسط Netscape در سال 1995 معرفی شد.

    این فقط به این معنی است که SSL یک پروتکل
    اینترنتی برای ایمن سازی انتقال داده ها از
    مرورگر شخصی است که وب سایت شما را به سرور مشاهده
    می کند.
    بنابراین، یک فرآیند رمزگذاری ایمن را تکمیل می کند و هیچ کس دیگری نمی
    تواند ببیند چه اتفاقی در حال رخ دادن است.
    داده های منتقل شده از طریق پروتکل HTTP یک اتصال
    اینترنتی امن نیست. SSL آن را به HTTPS تبدیل می کند و فرآیند انتقال داده را ایمن می کند.

    امروزه اکثر مرورگرها از این پروتکل پشتیبانی می کنند و برخی
    به شما اجازه نمی دهند که از طریق HTTP یک اتصال ناامن ایجاد کنید.
    علاوه بر این، استفاده از SSL یکی از بهترین راه ها برای ایمن سازی پروتکل های
    FTP، IMAP و SMTP است.

  15. Thanks for some other informative site. Where else could
    I get that kind of info written in such an ideal method?
    I have a venture that I am just now running on, and I’ve been on the look out for such
    info.

  16. เกมส์สล็อตพีจีออนไลน์ SLOTPG เว็บพีจีสล็อต โดยตรงเว็บใหม่ ฝากถอนโอนไว บริการเล่นและดูแลตลอดการเล่นเกมของลูกค้า ฝากไม่รับโบนัส
    มีระบบคืนยอดเสียให้คุณพี่
    หากลูกค้าเล่นรับโปรจะต้องติดเงื่อนไขเทิร์นของทางเว็บ pg slot asia888 เล่นง่ายจ่ายเร็ว เว็บเราดีที่สุดในประเทศ การนำระบบออโต้เข้ามาให้บริการ ช่วยให้เป็นเว็บใหญ่ ที่มีสมาชิกอยู่เยอะ เว็บสล็อตpg ทั้งหมด โดยตรงจากค่ายต่างประเทศ
    รองรับใช้งานทั้งมือถือและคอม เว็บฝากผ่านทรูวอเลตได้

  17. Wonderful post however I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this subject?
    I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more.
    Kudos!

  18. Hi there I am so happy I found your blog,
    I really found you by accident, while I was browsing on Askjeeve for something else, Anyhow
    I am here now and would just like to say thank you for a tremendous
    post and a all round interesting blog (I also love the
    theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it all at the minute but I have saved it and also
    included your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read
    a great deal more, Please do keep up the awesome job.

  19. I know this web site presents quality based posts and additional data,
    is there any other website which gives such information in quality?

  20. Hello! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be
    okay. I’m definitely enjoying your blog and look forward to new updates.

  21. I think this is among the most important info for me. And i’m glad reading your article.
    But wanna remark on few general things, The website style is ideal, the
    articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

  22. I believe that is one of the so much significant information for me.
    And i am happy reading your article. But wanna statement on few general issues, The website style
    is perfect, the articles is actually nice : D. Good task, cheers

  23. Hey I am so grateful I found your blog page, I really found you by mistake,
    while I was searching on Google for something else, Nonetheless I am here
    now and would just like to say thanks for a
    marvelous post and a all round interesting blog (I also love
    the theme/design), I don’t have time to look over
    it all at the minute but I have book-marked it and also added
    your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to
    read a lot more, Please do keep up the superb b.

  24. Helpful info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, and I’m surprised why this coincidence did not happened
    earlier! I bookmarked it.

  25. Please let me know if you’re looking for a author for
    your weblog. You have some really good posts and I think I would be a good asset.
    If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some
    material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.
    Please blast me an e-mail if interested. Regards!

  26. A neighbor of mine encouraged me to take a look at your blog site couple weeks ago, given that we both love similar stuff and I will need to say I am quite impressed.

  27. I think that may be an interesting element, it made me assume a bit. Thanks for sparking my considering cap. On occasion I get so much in a rut that I simply really feel like a record.