31.One Girl. One Journey – 2009 – Darkness. Again.

2009 was a year of frustration. I was in a really dark place. It seemed like I was making so much progress and I was really starting to reach my goals. But because I was working 24/7 trying to support myself, I didn´t have the time I needed to dedicate to my music. I was still going through a difficult time emotionally – couldn´t seem to heal. Couldn´t seem to find happiness. And I know that part of that struggle was because I felt trapped. Still. I was now single, but I couldn´t pursue music the way I wanted to because I had to support myself. I felt broken – in every way. It just seemed like despite all the efforts I was making – throughout my entire life, there was always someone or something blocking me from living the life I wanted to live. I was just tired. Tired of trying to heal from losing my family, my home, my life… tired of feeling so alone, being alone, tired of trying to be strong. Tired of pretending to be happy. Going to work and putting on a front and then falling apart the minute I closed the door behind me in my bachelor apartment at night. It was an extremely dark year. 5 steps forward, 10 steps back.

2010 was much of the same. I was still lost. Started training in the gym. We had a gym at work, so I thought why not? Every nite after I was done for the day, I´d workout. It helped. Alot. It was as though I had somewhere to put the pain I was feeling inside. An outlet for my anger and frustration. It was almost as though the physical pain matched the emotional pain inside. I ran and ran and ran on that treadmill really feeling like every step was taking me away from where I was. There was a purpose to every single step. I ran so hard and so fast. I was running away from it all. Until I got off and I was still in the same godforsaken place. I could not escape. The hamster wheel was the treadmill.

One by one, things started happening and I retreated very much into myself. I had dated someone and it turned out to be a nightmare. Well, how could I possibly have a healthy relationship when I wasn´t emotionally healthy? My friends had betrayed me in different ways. I stopped hearing from my family. I think they were tired of listening to me. I was too depressing. And they had their own busy lives.

I spent most of my time, when I wasn´t working, with very few people, and training at the gym. I hired a personal trainer. I started really thinking about my life. I needed to make some changes. I wasn´t happy. I wasn´t doing what I wanted to be doing my whole life and I was becoming more depressed and hopeless.

In September I decided to start going to Songwriting workshops again at SOCAN. Decided to do a professional photo shoot in Oakville. Modelled in a couple fashion shows. But it didn´t help.

November, I started looking at flights to Mexico. Started selling my furniture. At the time, I didn´t have any plans or anything, I just followed my intuition. And just started purging. Because SOMETHING had to change.

My daughter was getting married, so that was positive. I had a great distraction helping her pick out her wedding dress, planning her shower…. I also thought it might help me feel better if I volunteered, so I started volunteering at the hospital. But nothing was happening with my music. I had songs that I had written, but I couldn´t find a producer that I wanted to produce my songs. Got my passport. I don´t know why. My daughter´s wedding was beautiful! The highlight of my year!

I went on a few dates, had some good friends, worked out, volunteered… I even took in an exchange student for two weeks from Japan. That was alot of fun, and we really connected, but something in my life was missing. No matter what I did, I could NOT find happiness. I was missing the music.

Late September I met a guy who was a musician. He also had a friend who was a musician. So we talked about maybe collabing. We met up a few times, then we started rehearsing. But they just weren´t serious enough about it. So, I dropped out. I was really disappointed.

In December, I met someone through a friend who was looking for an investor. He was pitching a movie. I was interested because I was told that there was going to be a soundtrack as well and maybe I would be able to write songs for the movie as well as do the vocals. I met with this person and was immediately interested in his project. I took the script home and was spellbound. We talked a few more times, he was interested in my writing and was very interested when I told him I was also a singer/songwriter. He told me there would definitely be a possibility to work with him on songs for the film. It was exactly what I needed to give me some hope and to lift me from my depression. Maybe this was it.

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