29.One Girl. One Journey – Dark Chapter

It´s really emotionally difficult to write this blog. I feel that I want to document my musical journey, but to do so I have to revisit my diaries – revisit painful events. Sometimes, after a blog, I´m so emotionally drained. But, I´m doing this for a number of reasons. Firstly, when I´m gone, my children – grandchildren will be able to get to know me as not their Mom or Grandmother, but as a person. Someone who had dreams, and never gave up. When my Mom passed away in August 2020, I was just getting to know her – as a person. Not my Mom. All the past resentments and grudges I had held on to for most of my young adult life just fell away as I heard her talk about the dynamics of her family when she was growing up. When she was a little girl. Listening to her reliving her passion for dancing – her far away look was not in the room – it was in that care, heading to Sudbury to audition for dance school. So many stories I heard her tell me allowed me to know her on a completely different level. A person. Someone who had dreams and got side tracked. Maybe my children will understand me better. Maybe it will provide inspiration to others trying to follow their dreams. I don´t know. I also have tidbits of everything everywhere, and for myself it´s going to be rewarding to see my lifetime in one place. And who knows, maybe I will still accomplish my dreams. They may change. I do know that I enjoy writing. Creating.

Anyways, 2007 proved to be a difficult year. From the time my husband decided he was done to the time I was moved into a bachelor apartment with very little possessions, on one of the busiest streets in the city was about 2 weeks. I don´t even remember it. I also don´t remember signing any legal documents, meeting with the legal mediators. Nothing. Yet, everything was signed on the dotted line… Premeditated on his part? Looking back now, I think I was the only one who was praying for miracles. A week after that our 16 year old lhasapoo passed away. It ripped my heart in two.

3 months later, like the first time, he wanted to reconcile. This time I said no. 10 years ago, I gave him another chance. But nothing changed. Nothing was going to change this time either. It was time to let go. Funny, I would have never left. I was of the mindset that marriage was forever. I would have stayed. The Universe works in mysterious ways.

The next couple of years I was simply in survival mode. I worked all the time. I cried all the time. I was lost. My only saving grace was the little kitten my daughter had given me to keep me company. My daughter worked at a pet store. One night, as she was taking the garbage out, she heard these little meows. She found 5 little baby kittens at the bottom of the garbage can. So guess where they ended up? Yes, at our home. This was before my husband and I broke up. It was fun feeding them all from a teeny weeny little bottle. The kittens were just the size of the palm of my hand. I remember them all in one of our bathrooms. That was where they were litter trained, began eating real food… it was so funny… they would all eat from the little dishes, but food would be everywhere. They would be slipping all over the floor because of the wet food… they´d skate across the floor to the cardboard beds we made for them and they´ll all snuggle up together – one big warm pile… just the cutest thing you would ever see. One of them almost died, but we managed to save them all and find good homes for them – except one. I think this was my daughters way of softening the pain, and finding a way to help me get through my loneliness. You have to understand – I went from my dream home that we worked a lifetime for, with all my familiar things – familiar smells, my family, my pets, my neighbours… my life of 20 years… to a strange big room with leftover furniture. And silence. I´ll tell you, if I was then who I am now things would have been ALOT different. But I wasn´t. I took the kitten. Me and her against the world.

After a few years, I had built a good clientele and I was supporting myself. I moved to a really nice condo with a backyard and laundry facilities in my condo. It didn´t mean I had healed. Because there were still dark nights. Probably most of them. But I was able to get my piano back. And from there, I started playing. Writing. And singing again. With my cat on the piano stool beside me.